Marrying into the Brady Bunch....

Since none of my in-laws read this (thanks to it's absolute worthlessness and their complete ignorance of me having a blog...), I feel it safe to discuss their strange quarks and tics. I love Josh's family to no end and seriously would pick them if I were to pick in-laws. The constant problem I run into, however, is actually fitting in. See, the Robbins family is actually nice. Seriously. They like, say 'please,' never swear at each other, and are continually hugging each other, none of which is for show. *minutes go by...* I was just letting you catch your breath after the long gasp. Anyway, these people are seriously my heroes since they truly enjoy being around each other and do this sort of play-teasing thing that really is endearing. They never cross lines, say truly cruel things in jest, or even snap when we've been camping in confined quarters for a week and just need a little breathing space (it might have just been me that needed breathing space. I'm incredibly private when it comes down to it.). But I kid not when I say that if I lived during the pioneer times and was to cross the planes, I would pack up with this family. Josh's mom wears a sweet fanny-pack (Barb still clings to the days where it was acceptable to wear fanny-packs. Bless her.), filled with every imaginable needable thing. Sanitizer? Got it. Soap? Got it. Tissue? Got it. Chapstick? Got it. Portable radio? Got it. Extra pair of pants for every member of the family in five shades of colors? Tucked away in the mysterious fold of the fanny-pack. So what with Barb constantly being prepared and the family being permanently nice, I think I'll put the handcart next to the Robbins.

But what I initially was saying was that I didn't grow up that nice and sometimes I slip in saying things that aren't 'Robbins appropriate (for instance, calling my favorite sis-in-law a 'biotch.' Hey, I was kidding! Her husband needn't get so red-faced). My family is a different sort, really funny but not really that nice. We all love each other but seem to only be able to cope with an hour or two together maximum. I'm not complaining, since I was born and bred in this family and can not consider any other alternative; we would probably all go stark-raving mad and kill each other if we actually hung out more than once every two months for an hour at a time. Its for the best. We prefer it that way. But as for the nice people, the Robbins, they like to get together often, spend long bouts of time together, and actually do stuff together. It continues to blow my mind. For instance, when I went on this camping excursion to the farm with them, guess what Sunday night entails. A talent show. I kid you not. Yeah, everyone had to participate and do their own talent, and imagine this, everyone did. It ended up being really funny, but it always seems to baffle me, the endless amount of brady bunch this family has. I honestly feel like at some point in the night, when I was sleeping, someone picked me up and moved me to a scene on the Brady Bunch. I constantly harass them about it, but again, being the individuals they are, they just laugh and toss out a few coins to a homeless man. The damn saints...

The Robbins are great and surprisingly funny (I was under the impression that to be nice meant to be unfunny; not so much this case). The family isn't perfect, naturally, but they come pretty close. In order to fit in better, I have listed a few qualities or rules I will try abiding. I doubt very much that I will change, since I happen to like who and what I am, but maybe these small guidelines will make the Robbins more comfortable when spending time with a purely evil being.

• I will still try not to curse like a sailor when I'm around them. I will save the cursing to when I am truly and ridiculously mad at Josh, when I don't like what I'm wearing, or when I feel happy, sad, angry, or scared. Just then. I promise.
• I will stop cheating every chance I get when we play games together. No more changing scores, hiding cards, or moving game pieces during the actual game. If someone leaves for a bathroom break, then the rule does not apply.
• I will turn my constant grimace into a smile and the showing of my teeth for smiling rather than snarling.
• I will try to pretend that I don't value sleep more than any amount of bonding time.
  
• I will stop saying, "Who the hell are you and where the hell is my gun?" every time one of the family members walks into the room.
• I will pretend that I do not own a two-piece bathing suit and act confused whenever anyone mentions one. A bikini? Is that a kind of sandwich?
• I will feign devastation when someone suggests listening to anything in the car other than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
• I will act like I enjoy sleeping in a tent, and prefer not showering for days at a time.
  
• Lastly, I will try to implement the Robbins way of speaking.
• Use the word 'bottom' instead of 'butt'
• Use the word 'psg (passing gas)' instead of 'fart'
• Use the word 'gunk' instead of 'snot'
• Use the word 'bm (bowel movement)' instead of 'poop'
• Use the word 'stink' instead of 'suck,' although this one will truly be a hard one. I do so love to say, "That sucks." *sigh* All good things must come to an end.
• Use the phrase, 'you are the best ever' instead of 'I'm going to rip your innards out'
  

Following these rules will surely make me more like the Robbins, so that maybe, when I die, God will mistake me for one of them and let me go to heaven, too.