Friday, July 25, 2008

Marrying into the Brady Bunch....

Since none of my in-laws read this (thanks to it's absolute worthlessness and their complete ignorance of me having a blog...), I feel it safe to discuss their strange quarks and tics. I love Josh's family to no end and seriously would pick them if I were to pick in-laws. The constant problem I run into, however, is actually fitting in. See, the Robbins family is actually nice. Seriously. They like, say 'please,' never swear at each other, and are continually hugging each other, none of which is for show. *minutes go by...* I was just letting you catch your breath after the long gasp. Anyway, these people are seriously my heroes since they truly enjoy being around each other and do this sort of play-teasing thing that really is endearing. They never cross lines, say truly cruel things in jest, or even snap when we've been camping in confined quarters for a week and just need a little breathing space (it might have just been me that needed breathing space. I'm incredibly private when it comes down to it.). But I kid not when I say that if I lived during the pioneer times and was to cross the planes, I would pack up with this family. Josh's mom wears a sweet fanny-pack (Barb still clings to the days where it was acceptable to wear fanny-packs. Bless her.), filled with every imaginable needable thing. Sanitizer? Got it. Soap? Got it. Tissue? Got it. Chapstick? Got it. Portable radio? Got it. Extra pair of pants for every member of the family in five shades of colors? Tucked away in the mysterious fold of the fanny-pack. So what with Barb constantly being prepared and the family being permanently nice, I think I'll put the handcart next to the Robbins.

But what I initially was saying was that I didn't grow up that nice and sometimes I slip in saying things that aren't 'Robbins appropriate (for instance, calling my favorite sis-in-law a 'biotch.' Hey, I was kidding! Her husband needn't get so red-faced). My family is a different sort, really funny but not really that nice. We all love each other but seem to only be able to cope with an hour or two together maximum. I'm not complaining, since I was born and bred in this family and can not consider any other alternative; we would probably all go stark-raving mad and kill each other if we actually hung out more than once every two months for an hour at a time. Its for the best. We prefer it that way. But as for the nice people, the Robbins, they like to get together often, spend long bouts of time together, and actually do stuff together. It continues to blow my mind. For instance, when I went on this camping excursion to the farm with them, guess what Sunday night entails. A talent show. I kid you not. Yeah, everyone had to participate and do their own talent, and imagine this, everyone did. It ended up being really funny, but it always seems to baffle me, the endless amount of brady bunch this family has. I honestly feel like at some point in the night, when I was sleeping, someone picked me up and moved me to a scene on the Brady Bunch. I constantly harass them about it, but again, being the individuals they are, they just laugh and toss out a few coins to a homeless man. The damn saints...

The Robbins are great and surprisingly funny (I was under the impression that to be nice meant to be unfunny; not so much this case). The family isn't perfect, naturally, but they come pretty close. In order to fit in better, I have listed a few qualities or rules I will try abiding. I doubt very much that I will change, since I happen to like who and what I am, but maybe these small guidelines will make the Robbins more comfortable when spending time with a purely evil being.
  • I will still try not to curse like a sailor when I'm around them. I will save the cursing to when I am truly and ridiculously mad at Josh, when I don't like what I'm wearing, or when I feel happy, sad, angry, or scared. Just then. I promise.
  • I will stop cheating every chance I get when we play games together. No more changing scores, hiding cards, or moving game pieces during the actual game. If someone leaves for a bathroom break, then the rule does not apply.
  • I will turn my constant grimace into a smile and the showing of my teeth for smiling rather than snarling.
  • I will try to pretend that I don't value sleep more than any amount of bonding time.
  • I will stop saying, "Who the hell are you and where the hell is my gun?" every time one of the family members walks into the room.
  • I will pretend that I do not own a two-piece bathing suit and act confused whenever anyone mentions one. A bikini? Is that a kind of sandwich?
  • I will feign devastation when someone suggests listening to anything in the car other than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
  • I will act like I enjoy sleeping in a tent, and prefer not showering for days at a time.
  • Lastly, I will try to implement the Robbins way of speaking.
    • Use the word 'bottom' instead of 'butt'
    • Use the word 'psg (passing gas)' instead of 'fart'
    • Use the word 'gunk' instead of 'snot'
    • Use the word 'bm (bowel movement)' instead of 'poop'
    • Use the word 'stink' instead of 'suck,' although this one will truly be a hard one. I do so love to say, "That sucks." *sigh* All good things must come to an end.
    • Use the phrase, 'you are the best ever' instead of 'I'm going to rip your innards out'
Following these rules will surely make me more like the Robbins, so that maybe, when I die, God will mistake me for one of them and let me go to heaven, too.

12 comments:

rvasay said...

Excuse me Cork but I do not say b-tt and I do not swear and I do not own a two piece swimming suit and I think I am pretty nice. I could fit in with the Robbins I think!! Our family goes on family vacations and we seem to like each other for a whole week!
I will have to admit the Robbins are very nice and you are lucky to have them as inlaws but come on they have a few deep dark secrets which may keep them from being "perfect". I do think they are pretty darn close though---I'm glad you have them and I am claiming Josh as one of mine! I love you MOM

Natalie Scott said...

The Robbins are all very nice people, and I'm sure they are for real, but seriously? I always question "nice" people...like WHO are they REALLY?? Hmmm? I'm sure Josh's family is authentic, though (I remember them at your reception...I wonder if our family astonished them...we're a little more, shall we say, BOLD than they are;)

I think our family is pretty dang awesome with the most wonderfully entertaining people to be around. I love the way we roll. As for talent shows? Um, no thanks.

Natalie Scott said...

P.S. I'll be putting my handcart right next to Blair's.

rvasay said...

And I will be on the other side.
Love MOm

Courtney said...

Okay, praising my in-laws does not take away from my own family, although I still stand by my comment that our family is not 'nice.' I didn't say we were bad people, just not nice.

And as for the talent show, I initially reacted the same way. But ever seen Dan in Real Life? It went something along those lines.

Natalie Scott said...

"Nice" definitely is not the first word that comes to mind when I think of the Asays either ;)

Dan in Real Life is one of my favorites. Still, though, I think I'd rather die. We did do talent shows at our big Asay fiestas in the Wyoming mountains (you were either very little or not born) and had to suffer through Paige and Stephanie singing "Coming to America." I'm sure it was cute, actually.

I love the word "sucks" and "crap" is my other favorite one...though I try to refrain in front of the kids. Course damn and hell are a whole other story ;)

Natalie Scott said...

Ah, but in my (this is Ryan) experience, Asay "mean" very often means saying what they actually think rather than just being "nice." So in the Asay realm, mean often equals "brutally honest." The good thing about saying what you think is that in the end, it really is the "nicer" thing because it's actually helpful. I know this from m a n y p a i n f u l experiences with the Asay family. I have grown a lot from the Asay "mean." Now, sometimes Asay "mean" is actually just plain "mean." But not as often as it is brutally honest and beneficial in the long run.

None of this is to say that the Robbins don't say what they think. I don't claim to know them at all. They might be one of those families that seriously *only* thinks kind things. But I have learned from experience that lots of big-teethed grins and all nice things to say often means people aren't saying what they actually think and often *should* say. That, to me, is a lot "meaner" because it doesn't help anybody.

Haylee said...

I would say that the Asays could be quite terrifying at times. You never wanted to be the target of someone's opinion... However, growing up with this helped me grow accustomed to it, and I agree with Ryan when I say it is actually quite a noble thing to be able to speak your mind and say how you really feel. Plus, usually the comments, though dry and somewhat rude, are usually meant in good humor and can be quite funny at times, if taken the right way, by people who are not the robbins and not accustomed to constant kindness. Vicky, however, does not have an unkind bone in her body... She is like the girl on enchanted and probably does not even know what anger is.

megship said...

Stick to your own kind biotch! Ha ha ha! Take that! I hate you! You suck! Oh wait, I was just trying to fit my mold.....Just kiddin'! Anyway, the Robbins are seriously dang nice, I know, I have been around them. You definitely don't seem to fit in. You should leave.

I definitely love being around the Asays, though. There is no funnier or more entertaining family to be around, not even close. The Robbins would hate me.

rvasay said...

Not true Megs because they do not hate anyone. Thank you for your kind words Haylee but I do know that I cannot compare with Barbara Robbins.
She is the saint in that family in my opinion and she makes everyone else better. I have thought unkind thoughts---I don't think she ever has.
This post Cork really got everyone thinking which is good! I love you MOM

Matt Asay said...

Why the !%!%! does your blog start forcing me to listen to music, Cork? I like Iz's rendition of "Over the Rainbow," but I shouldn't be forced to violate copyright to read your blog. :-)

I just wish that I would have started reading this earlier. I do want you to know that anyone that is super nice is obviously just pretending to be nice. Read the scriptures. It's pretty clear that we're all bad by nature. Josh's family is obviously hiding serious moral deficiencies.

(Unfortunately, they're hiding them very well.)

Anonymous said...

Hi there - I don't know you, but I stumbled into your blog and I think you are awesome. I found this an incredibly hilarious post which I personally can relate to (regarding my own family/in-law experience)!! Kudos on expressing it so well, and good luck surviving any possible "fall-out" reaction. :)