Friday, December 2, 2011

Do you have a 2 year old? I'm sorry.

I was talking with my mom and complaining about the sheer evil that is inhabiting my 2 year old and she responded that I was in good company. My sister's 2 year old has a similar list of evil-doing, and after talking with another friend with a 2 year old, she reported much the same behavior. Bottom line? Two-year olds are nasty. You may be convinced your adorable 1 year old would never and I am here to tell you that he would. And will. When he turns 2 that is.

So I've compiled a list in order to help anyone who might be wondering if they either have a 2 year old or some horrible demon from the underworld. Probably a 2 year old. Sorry.

You know you have a 2 year old when...

  • The phrase 'Get down' is undoubtedly the first words to every sentence.
  • Getting out of the shower is something like a horror film. The suspense of finding out what he/she has been doing while you've been pretending he/she is away at college is terrifying. And you are sincerely relieved to find that he/she has only lit half of the house on fire. Hey. It could have been the whole house. He/she must have been tired.
  • Someone tells you, "It could be worse," and you think to yourself, "But could it? Really?"
  • You wonder if you're the only one raising a soulless underling
  • During one of his/her bolts from the store/car/wherever you think, "Maybe someone will pick him/her up. Maybe someone nice who doesn't mind tending a power-hungry, opinionated little monster who generally thrives on chaos." Maybe. But you generally don't have that kind of luck.
  • Potty training is a source of constant confusion. Is he/she ready? What does 'ready' look like? Will he/she just one day inform me that he/she is ready to stop pooping on themselves? So confusing...
  • You spend most the day fantasizing about boarding school. For you.
  • Your house looks like a tornado on crack was there.
  • Your neighbors below you complain of earthquakes. Nope. That's just your 2 year old jumping off of everything and then laughing manically when he nearly breaks his ankle.
  • Going to the grocery store alone is some kind of spa retreat. There are no commands of "This way! This way mama!" pointing in the direction of the donuts the entire time. And definitely no apologies once he/she throws his sucker stick at some random shopper's head.
So yes, I most definitely have a 2 year old.