Deal Breakers

Last night I made the horrible mistake of being what some might call, a 'supportive' wife. Josh had yet another indoor/outdoor soccer game, and I went. Can I just say, blah? Blah! I hate doing supportive things, especially when it means doing anything that takes me away from laying on the couch with a bowl of cereal. Really. I highly resent having to go to work, simply because it requires occasional standing and little or no cereal. Huh. I guess I might be sort of lazy. Weird.

But anyway, I was at this game, and there was a fairly attractive guy standing not 10 feet away. Being human and not wasting the opportunity to admire such attractiveness, I cast casual glances at him, thinking of what I would do to improve his look (meaning I would exchange his chunky Vans for something more loafer-like...). As I was admiring and oogling, he bent over to pick up a dropped phone, and *gasp* I witnessed one of my deal breakers. Crack. I saw crack, and I was immediately trying to keep myself from vomiting. As I tried to concentrate on anything other than hairy crack (it probably wasn't really hairy, but what with the imagination I have... well...), I was thinking of other deal breakers for me and guys. The list was surprisingly short.

• Revealing clothing -I find nothing more disgusting than guys wearing shorter shirts or lower pants, and having to see any amount of stomach, back, or butt. I can stand to see underwear, but I'd rather not. Keep it covered!
• Less than comic-worthy humor -I like my guys funny and yes, Josh is funny. He had to be to catch a girl like me (I don't know what that means but it's meant to infer that I'm a great catch).
• Any guy that weighs less than me -it is bound to happen some day when I get pregnant, because Josh isn't exactly a heavyweight, but until then, we'll stay married. The second the scale proves me to outweigh him, well... I hope our marriage is strong enough.
  
• Guys who can't eat -I'm a big eater and I need healthy competetion in this category. This might tie in with a guy weighing less than I do. In high school, I dated a guy who was incredibly conscience of what he ate and stuff. I was seriously turned off when he suggested I not eat the entire plate of french toast and ingest some fruit instead. I might have shot him. Either way, I can't remember and I haven't seen him since IHOP. Sometime might want to check the dumpster.
• A guy who can't fix stuff -Since I'm constantly breaking things, I need someone to follow in my wake with a hammer and a screwdriver. I need a I-can-fix-anything-you-can-manage-to-break-baby! guy. I love those kind of guys. Especially when they call me 'baby.'
  
• Any guy who can't watch America's Funniest Videos, if there even is such a being -Enough said. That show rules. Josh may not go out of his way to watch it, but I can guarantee he watches. We wouldn't be together otherwise.