Friday, December 2, 2011

Do you have a 2 year old? I'm sorry.

I was talking with my mom and complaining about the sheer evil that is inhabiting my 2 year old and she responded that I was in good company. My sister's 2 year old has a similar list of evil-doing, and after talking with another friend with a 2 year old, she reported much the same behavior. Bottom line? Two-year olds are nasty. You may be convinced your adorable 1 year old would never and I am here to tell you that he would. And will. When he turns 2 that is.

So I've compiled a list in order to help anyone who might be wondering if they either have a 2 year old or some horrible demon from the underworld. Probably a 2 year old. Sorry.

You know you have a 2 year old when...

  • The phrase 'Get down' is undoubtedly the first words to every sentence.
  • Getting out of the shower is something like a horror film. The suspense of finding out what he/she has been doing while you've been pretending he/she is away at college is terrifying. And you are sincerely relieved to find that he/she has only lit half of the house on fire. Hey. It could have been the whole house. He/she must have been tired.
  • Someone tells you, "It could be worse," and you think to yourself, "But could it? Really?"
  • You wonder if you're the only one raising a soulless underling
  • During one of his/her bolts from the store/car/wherever you think, "Maybe someone will pick him/her up. Maybe someone nice who doesn't mind tending a power-hungry, opinionated little monster who generally thrives on chaos." Maybe. But you generally don't have that kind of luck.
  • Potty training is a source of constant confusion. Is he/she ready? What does 'ready' look like? Will he/she just one day inform me that he/she is ready to stop pooping on themselves? So confusing...
  • You spend most the day fantasizing about boarding school. For you.
  • Your house looks like a tornado on crack was there.
  • Your neighbors below you complain of earthquakes. Nope. That's just your 2 year old jumping off of everything and then laughing manically when he nearly breaks his ankle.
  • Going to the grocery store alone is some kind of spa retreat. There are no commands of "This way! This way mama!" pointing in the direction of the donuts the entire time. And definitely no apologies once he/she throws his sucker stick at some random shopper's head.
So yes, I most definitely have a 2 year old. 

11 comments:

cameo said...

+Oh no. I'll be there in less than two months.

Dayna said...

Oh my gosh Courtney I almost started crying while reading this. Not out of laughter, like I normally do while reading your blog, but crying because I have that kind of 2 year old you describe. She has GOT to be at the peak of her terribleness because I CAN NOT imagine it worse. She has tantrum after tantrum from the moment her eyes open in the morning, to when they close at night. I feel like I am constantly either putting her on time-out or ignoring her sheer screams. I am convinced it is her goal in life to go against everything i say or ask. It is so hard!!!! I was laughing out loud about the grocery store being a spa because my sister and I went to Rite Aid sans kids last night and thats seriously how it felt. Hilarious. Oh my gosh but seriously when does the 2 year old demon leave our precious children? I miss my Jayne.

Oh, and Vinny is the perfect child. I will cherish him for the next year and 2 months until he too becomes a demon.

Betsy Lee said...

Yep. There is a reason why someone coined the phrase, Terrible Twos. It's an awful time in life! When my oldest turned two I wondered if I'd ever see the real her again, scared that my child had suddenly turned into a brat for life. It was pure joy when I recognized her again about a year later. Rest assured, they DO grow out of it!

I currently have a two year old (I think she's a few months younger than Rip). She is so cute, but she's driving me nuts! She likes to decorate with her poop, whether it's coming from her diaper or her underwear. (Avoid potty training until after they're out of the crazy phase!! Trust me, diapers are so much easier!) She climbs up everything, hits, screams, and yes, there is a constant feeling of the aftermath of a tornado. Everywhere! I have REdecorated my Christmas tree about 5 times now and it's only been up for a week!! I got new sheets for the first time since I've been married (so excited!!) and within the month I found that she had climbed into my bed with a pen and drew all over them! So much for having something nice and new.

It's during this time that I have no idea what people are talking about when they say, "Cherish it! They grow up so fast!" They didn't have 2 year olds in mind, that's for sure!

Steph said...

I hate to oppose this, but I guess I can give u a reason for a post of swearing at me
Or something else!!' but I LOVED my 2 yr old!!! Cash seemed
Angelic compared to what happened to him the last few weeks. I think 3 has been a lot harder because he now yells back at me, which yes means I yell at him first in most cases, but he is much more stubborn and defiant!!! I honestly miss the 2 yr phase!!! Maybe he just got it late, or something else but I did love that yr and can't say right now I always love my life anymore!! Kids!!! Why did we ever agree to having them?

megship said...

Um, Macie is still two and was two at three months old.

Your life sucks. Mine does too. Anyone that has a two year old probably wants to drive off the side of the road most the time. Then they grow up and the next one turns two.

I fantasize about what my life will be like someday....daily. I am pretty sure your life sucks right now cause you don't live close to me. You should leave Josh and move here.

Natalie Scott said...

You forgot NOISE and SCREAMING. And basically the 2s and 3s stink. For a few of my kids it didn't get bad till 3, but I could happily skip both those ages altogether. :) Babies rule. I keep telling you and Meghan this. Now do you believe me??

That being said, it's love/hate with Sam...some days I want to shoot myself, other days I am laughing my head off at his antics. He's much easier than what you've got cus the older kids play with him and I get more respite.

rvasay said...

Yes my dear Courtney it could be worse-----much worse. At least now you can force them to bed or time out or whatever. believe me when I say there will come a time when you might wish them to be little again. Keep your sense of humor . It will keep you going. I sat behind my neighbors in church today who have a two year old girl and watched her throw herself around and scream she wanted the book NOW and thought of you. HAHA. After church i leaned over and asked Suzanne "Hmmm Terrible 2's huh?" she said Yes I don't know what happened!.

Sara said...

I've said it before, I'll say it again...


El Diablo

KLZ said...

My two year old WILL NOT leave the grocery store without a donut in hand that he has picked out of the display himself. However, that does entertain him for a good 90 seconds or so. I figure it's worth it.

April said...

Yup I can't say I enjoy the screaming, tantrums, ignoring what we say, etc. (She's doing it right this instant.) I don't know if Rip is like this, but Tasha will have moments of sweetness that make you think those bad moments were the exception.... then she's sprawled out screaming and you know it's the rule....

Jamie and Lauren said...

Please move home. I need you at soccer for comic relief.