Thursday, February 11, 2010

Mom Friends

I'm not like the other moms my age. I'm snarky and sarcastic and I think infant massages are ridiculous. I don't care about themed nurseries, I microwave bottles, my baby wears sweats every day all day, and I let him sleep on his tummy. I don't make my own baby food, I haven't bought a single baby toy, and I can't remember the first time I heard his heart beat. I get mad at him when he doesn't sleep and I don't enjoy nursing. Yes. I should be kicked out of Utah, or at least the little lunch group that I've been invited to, soon to be disinvited to (all young moms, all fans of infant massages). I'm pretty sure the moms there are all a little terrified of me, or at least by the fact that I joke about not liking my child (I do).

Anyway, I'm starting to whittle away at the moms I can be friends with, and the moms I can hardly stand. Listen. If you take yourself and your baby a little too seriously, we cannot be friends and you should probably not read this blog. Stop now. I've put together a list that will determine if we can or cannot be mom friends. Chances are, we cannot. I detest most new moms and so the likelihood that you don't irritate me are slim to none.

  • If your baby doesn't sleep through the night and you don't say, "I'm going to shoot my brains out" at least 12 times a day.
  • You assume other people think your baby is the smartest, cutest, most talented baby ever. This drives me CRAZY!!!! Chances are, your baby in unattractive, slow, and without the least bit of potential, so don't bother.
  • If you love nursing so much, you have to tell me you love nursing so much. Sick.
  • If you can't jokingly say anything non-positive about your baby. Listen. It doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a tolerable person.
  • You won't admit that it bothers you when other people's babies roll over, sit up, or do anything before yours does. If you haven't ever thought, "Could he/she be slow?" then you definitely cannot be my mom friend.
  • If you leave your shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot (this doesn't have so much to do with being a mom as it just bugs me. My fluffy-haired mom does it so I should be a bit more forgiving, but I'm not. Stop doing it mom!). I seriously think there should be a steep fine or penalty of sorts. You people are criminals.
  • If you do not wear sweats when you're at home all day. This is unforgivable.
  • If your baby never spit up; this is also unforgivable.
  • If you forfeited any bit of personality you had, and opted instead for the generic new mom personality.
  • Lastly, if in the first month of being a new mom you didn't pray for a car to hit you and used words to describe the experience as 'fantastic, wonderful, magical,' or anything other than frightening, than we cannot be mom friends.
My guess is, after reading this, you don't want to be mom friends anyway. Good. You've saved me the experience of having to pretend to think your kid is cute. But let me also be clear about things. I love Rip. I love him more than anything else. In fact, when people aren't watching, and the blinds are closed and I'm positive no one is coming over, I even kiss and hug him. At home, I love holding him and there's nothing more satisfying than when he lays his small head on my shoulder and sucks away on his binky. I love when he wakes up in the morning and gets so excited to see another life form. I love when he army crawls onto my lap and I love when he finds something that makes me laugh and does it over and over again. But don't tell. I might not be able stand myself.

14 comments:

rvasay said...

I am trying to give the people jobs to do Cork----that is why I leave the shopping carts in the parking lot. They need to have something to do! I hope all of the "fluffy haired"
Grandmas do it too! I worship Rip and fluffy hair too! So there! I love you MOM

morgan - sunni said...

YES!! i love when you update with stories. you make me laugh. thank you for making this day better! haha

Shelli said...

Hehehehehehehheheh.

Come hang out with my friends. They will live up to your expectations.

Also, when shall we reschedule lunch?

Alyssa/Jo said...

Kita is the smartest puppy in the world and I can't say a bad thing about her. Our friendship is over.

Frazier Family said...

We can still be friends. The only problem is that I don't like people right now. At all. I don't like adults, kids or babies. So pretty much it's good you live in Utah. Even though I hate that place and will never move back. When I want to punish my kids I'll send them there. Or I'll just make them be with me all day. Right now that's a pretty bad punishment. I can not stand people that aren't real. People that act like life is awesome. Idiots. Can't stand them. You can't really know a person or be friends with them unless you know their shit. You can delete this post if that's offensive to readers, but don't.

Paige n' Kalani said...

LOL! I think we actually COULD be mom friends!

Natalie Scott said...

I totally leave the shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot, and you will too when you have a couple more kids. Trust me. And you'll only know WHY when you reach that point.

Other than that, I think we can be mom friends...better yet, how'bout mom sisters, yes?

megship said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Oh boy, was that funny! And some people think I am offensive. Oh, I loved this post and couldn't agree more with everything said. The only thing that I do occasionally is leave the shopping cart in random locations. It is leave the shopping cart there, or kill the kids and I opt for the first choice.

I also find some of your comments quite humorous. I would not like people who hate Utah to come back here either. It would be safest for them to stay away. :)

cameo said...

You are hilarious. I must admit, I do do some of that. But I also admit that this month has been a hard month. I knew it would be hard, but it's harder than I thought it would be. Anyway, hopefully you still want to be my friend, even though I am a new mom. Okay, now I have to go change a very stinky, poopy diaper.

Angie said...

I am laughing so hard right now. Thanks for keeping it real. I LOVE it! Hahaha.

Dayna said...

hahahahahaha!!!!! you are hilarious.

ps. jayne can sit up, and rip can't.
pps. jayne is SOOOOO CUTE!!! (cuter than rip)
ppss. jayne is the best sleeper ever. (does rip take naps yet?)
pppss. jayne has NEVER spit up once in her whole life (you smell like puke everytime i'm around you)

ahhhhh i love being a mom. isn't it the best THING EVER?!??!

oh and ppppssss. you are banned from the mommy's group. just thought you should know.

and just for your information-i've totally seen you sneak a kiss in for rip here and there in the company of others. how can you live with yourself?

Haylee said...

Ok, I really do hate it when people leave the cart in the middle of the lot, it always drives me crazy. But as mentioned I don't have kids so what do I know. I have seen Rip army crawl though and I do think it is pretty awesome!!

LaLa said...

Courtney, Courtney! How I miss you! Give little Rippy a kiss from me and Jeff. How bout some pictures of the new house?!?

Brandon, Alyssa, and Jaxson said...

SO funny and believe it or not we could actually be mom friends! As I sat here (in my sweats) laughing at your post, I reflected on my own, ever so similar life. So, if you ever come to Washington and you would like to lounge around and discuss all that we do not like...give me a call!