Monday, February 1, 2010

BYU Parking Police

BYU Parking Police.

Did you get scared reading that? Enraged? Both?

I've had more than my fair share with run-ins with these soulless beings, and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that there is a special place in hell for such persons. Sinister, evil, and full of misery, these shadowy life forms are the very essence of darkness. I only know this because I was able to catch a glimpse of the miserable creatures' faces on my way home the other day, and I swear to you, it was sheer bleakness.

I was driving along, feeling hopeful about The Bachelor (who wouldn't? It's amazing and pointless! Double bonus!), when a sudden wave of despair crossed over me. I couldn't see Walmart, so I assumed it was just the remembrance of having a 5 month old who decided taking naps was for the birds and quite lame and would no longer be participating. I pushed through it, and was starting to feel better when it hit me even harder. A coldness, unlike any natural coldness felt by either snow or ice, I was instantly frozen with dread and gloom and other bad things that go along with gloom and dread, plus more gloom and dread. I forced myself to face the direction the coldness was coming from, and that's when I saw them. The BYU Parking Police in their little jeep-like cars cruising down the road like their sole purpose in life wasn't to destroy and humiliate all happiness. I'll be honest. I was scared. More scared than when I colored my hair a light brown. Yeah. More scared than that.

See, Josh and I have discussed the parking police throughout our marriage. We've always gotten parking tickets (I was even booted off campus, unable to ever show my little Honda Civic face on campus again), and always on the worst possible day in the worst possible situation. We've always wondered at what point people realized they were without souls and decided to take a career wrecking the lives of others.

Josh: "Can you really even be considered a member of the church if you're a parking police? I mean, what drives someone that far, that they would even consider being a parking police?"
Me: "Not sure. Maybe Walmart?"

Is it a gradual development, or more like an instantaneous burst of evil decision-making? Either way, I've always wanted to meet or see one of the villainous beasts up close. Just to compare it to one of the Lord of the Rings' wraiths. Now I have. Both are faceless, both are black, and both would like nothing more than to stab someone. If only the parking police had blood dripping from their tires like the wraiths do from their horses, then they really would be one in the same. I wonder if Rip is considering being a BYU parking police...


Brett Asay said...

I hate those guys too. I once saw a group of them congregated by the old Winchell's in Provo. They were beginning to separate to head out and patrol the campus and I considered doing the world some good by plowing my SUV into them, taking out as many as possible.

rvasay said...

As your father and as a mission president and trying hard to be the very best person that I can be, I think that you are exaggerating, but not much.

Angie said...

I honestly became enraged when I read the title. They have no souls. And they are fast, too. Once I parked in the service vehicle spot at the bottom of my stairs at Heritage Halls, dashed up to my room on the second floor, grabbed a book, and ran back down the stairs, only to find one of those poisonous green envelopes under the wiper blade. It couldn't have taken me more than 90 seconds to get in and out. That one really stung. And I'm glad to hear I'm not the only person who has passed the parking ticket limit and been suspended from parking on campus.

Boaffer said...

Well, I never once received a ticket in all my time at BYU...but then again I am a law abiding citizen and keep all of the 600 pages worth of parking rules...I did hear that they have a water boarding station in their "recreation" area, so you might be in part right...or you might be one who flaunts their parking in the face of all the rest of us that choose to OBEY the various zoning/parking restrictions.

They probably just did not know you are the youngest and therefore should have been coddled rather than ticketed... :P

megship said...

I obey all rules. I am good. You must be bad. I a surprised YOU aren't one of THEM, as a matter of fact.

Just kidding, I don't care for them much, but I really don't like the Highway Patrol.

Andrew and Michelle said...

Courtney, glad you found me! I loved reading your blog instead of doing laundry yesterday - hilarious, thanks! We are in Eugene, Oregon and I love it. Wish we lived closer, though so Rip and Amelia could drool on things together.

Brooke said...

To hell with them!!! I've had my share of bootings, and even being towed away. Who do they think they are anyways? I've even considered going on a slashing tire rampage against them. Okay not really but wouldn't that be great! You'd have to be in a lonely and dark place in your life to want to conflict pain on others like that.