I have pink eye. There's an infection in the spider bite I scratched to death and my throat has decided it hates me. In a nut shell, I'm disgusting. My eye has swollen nearly shut and my leg oozes pus. I wouldn't be telling you this, except that I've decided to spread the diseases to one and all.
Consider yourself warned.
I'm going to touch every single shopping cart, touch and handle each piece of fruit in the grocery store, and wipe my eye sauces on all the children I can see and find. And I look forward to it. Immensely.
See, it all happened when my sister put her 2 year old in charge of spreading pink eye far and wide. I'm not really sure how far or how wide she spread it, but far enough to reach me. I was initially very upset by my gunky eye and the fact that my eye kept sealing itself shut with oozy drippy matter, but I now see it as an incredible opportunity for vengeance. I can finally take care of all those unresolved grudges I've been holding.
To the twin boy who lived 2 houses down from me, be prepared to never see clearly out of your right eye again. It will be seeping gunk for the next 2 days. Never again tell me to 'shut up' when we're 12 years old. Big mistake twin. Big mistake.
To my arch nemesis whose boyfriend I kissed and she had the nerve to dislike me ever since, don't be surprised when you find yourself unable to breath because your throat inevitably decided to close its doors to your oxygen supply. It isn't pleasant and there's only so much that orange juice can do.
To the bagger at Walmart named Kyle who took an extraordinarily long time putting my 4 items in the bag, I just dislike you and will probably just slash your tires or something. No disease for you. I have only so much illness to spread around.
And finally, to the ladies who look like men at the indoor facility, charging $600 to play in 5 games is
not an honest price. I owe you the greatest amount of sickness and plan on licking each and every single one of your steering wheels, but not before I wipe my leg infection on you. Suffer!!!
But I plan on posting some pictures of Rip since he will inevitably catch the sicknesses. I wish it weren't so, since the only grudge I have against him is his decision to demand binkies at 4 in the morning. Other that that, we're cool. So I really am sorry that he will undoubtedly catch the pink eye (which really should be renamed to 'most unbearable swollen eye'), and probably a little of my head cold, and maybe possibly some of the infection in my leg. Poor little creature.
I just thought people might like staring at pictures of our family (I'm the one that is 2 feet tall). We went and saw the lights on Christmas Eve and we bundled up the Rip so he would not die. We're good parents like that. Here he is before we saw the lights.
And here he is after. Apparently we thought he was hot so we debundled him. And yes, he has that bewildered expression most of his life.
We do love his chubby baby bum. Baby bums are the best.
